Roommates
by Sorceress Rinoa
Summary: The greatest game show never televised- with the FFVIII cast as the contestants!
1. The Great Pants Fiasco

**Roommates**

By Sorceress Quisty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seifer fans, don't read! Please R/R, so I know what I'm doing wrong or right. This is my first fic, after all. However, flames with no purpose, i.e. using reviews to insult all Treppies (Don't judge people by the characters they like. I mean, there are good people out there who like SEIFER, of all people. Not that you could assume anything bad about Treppies, however! ^_^), telling me that I should be sold into slavery for writing this, or any utter crap like that, will be immediately printed out and burned/shredded/fed to Griever/all of the above. 

Disclaimer: I own the idea of Roommates, but not FFVIII. Don't sue. I also don't own Sailor Moon or the crapsong "Blue Eyes Blue". In fact, I don't know why anyone would WANT to own that horrid, awful song that we all love to hate. Unless they owned an elevator company and needed new elevator music. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I. The Great Pants Fiasco

"These reality shows aren't hardcore enough," said the producer. And so Roommates was born. You've all seen Survivor, Big Brother, and Fear Factor.  But now…

Presenting the greatest game show never televised, **Roommates**!

For some background info, we now list the most important Roommates rules. There are 7,992 rules that we left out, so don't be surprised if you have no clue about what's going on. 

1. If a contestant strays more than 10 feet from their roommate, who is "randomly" assigned to them, then the rule will be enforced by chaining the pair together. 

2. Rooms are also "randomly" assigned. Half of the rooms contain laundry chutes. The people not in these rooms must drop off their clothing manually.

114. Contestants may bring a luxury item and 1 (one) outfit. They must drop this outfit off at the laundry room every evening at 5:00.

115. They must drop off this entire outfit. 

231. Twice every three days, contestants have a Room Challenge. The first one is for a prize. The second one is for a punishment to the last place.

"COMMITTEE, NEEDED?" 

Sorry, Fujin, but you're one of the contestants. Which mean that instead of being part of our pathetic and underpaid staff, you get to be thrown into a tiny room and experience a living hell for however long Sorceress Quisty's attention span with this fic is. 

"RAGE!"

Okay, okay, you can discipline your Roommate if it means that much to you.

"HAPPY."

That was… interesting. Continuing with the rules:

4111. Contestants must stay for the duration of the show. The vote on who wins is at the end of the stay.

4112. Glass/metal items are not allowed, because you could use them for suicide. The exception to this rule is when the objects in question have the Roommates logo on them. Yes, that includes the official Roommates glass eyeball.

4115. Each pair will be issued 1 toothbrush, 1 washcloth, and 1 twin bed. The shower has 5 minutes worth of hot water per day. 

8000. The prize for the winning pair is 1,000,000,000 gil! Each!

I think we've seen enough. Let's go meet the hostages- I mean contestants.

            The door opened. A dark haired girl with a dog walked in. 

            "Hey! There's no doggie treats here!" yelled Rinoa.

            "Doggie treats?" asked the cameraman.

            "They said I'd find some treats for Angelo, my dog, if I came in here! And a bone, and a big rubber ball, and my Squally-sama, and-" blathered Rinoa.

            "Okay, that's enough! Umm… they're magical doggie treats, and they will only appear once you tell us the obligatory information," said the cameraman.

            "Obligatory information?" parroted the girl.

            "What the sadistic producer told me to ask you. Who are you, what is your luxury item, and what will you do with the billion gil if you win?"

            "OKAY!" said Rinoa happily. "I'm Rinoa Heartilly. I brought Angelo as my luxury item. He chews things when I'm gone. I remember when I was taking the SeeD test, and Angelo chewed up Zone's Girl Next Door magazine! Just seeing that stuff could be hazardous to his poor doggie mind! Anyway, I couldn't bear being away from Angelo for so long! If I win, I think I'll open up a pet store so everybody can have the joy of owning a pet! Hey, where are the doggie treats?"

            "They'll be waiting for you at the apartment building. Here's your room box." The cameraman handed Rinoa the little room box. 

            "What's inside?"

            "I don't know, but you can't open it until we get to the apartment building."

            "Oh well," said Rinoa. "Come on, Angelo. We must get back to the waiting room. SEE YA!" She ran back out the door, probably to try to find the magical doggie biscuits (even though the contestants are going to the apartment building _tommorow_.)

            "That was easy," muttered the cameraman. "Too easy." Suddenly, a loud voice coming from outside the room was heard. 

            "GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!"

            "What are you talking about? I didn't steal your pants!"

            "DON'T PLAY DUMB, YOU LITTLE…"

            "Why would _I_ steal _your_ pants? _You_ stole _my_ pants several times this week!"

            "ENOUGH! EAT, LIKE, BULLETS!"

            Suddenly, Selphie burst into the room.

            "Help! Irvine's gone insane!" said Selphie. "He's chasing me around, yelling something about pants!"

            "You stole them?" asked the cameraman.

            "No, I didn't!" said Selphie, as cheerful as ever. "Let's get this over with! I'm Selphie, I brought my laptop so I can still program the Garden website, and I think my money is going to Irvine's therapy if I win! I guess it's back to being chased!"

            "Hey, you forgot your room box!" said the cameraman.

            "Booyaka! Thanks so much! Well, come to my funeral!" Selphie left the room. Seconds later, Irvine ran in, wearing no pants. His boxer shorts had hearts, rainbows, and little daisies on them. However, he was even as embarrassed as he was furiously ragefully fuming mad. As we all know, when a man is furiously ragefully fuming mad, it is best not to interview him.

            "So, what is your angle on the whole pants issue?" interviewed the cameraman.

            "DIE!" yelled Irvine, sounding not unlike Fujin, as he readied his gun (Yes, I know that it's metal, but who wants to argue with a man who has a gun?).

Um… let's cut to the waiting room until we can get a new cameraman and somebody to mop up the old one.

            Fujin and Selphie were trying to read some manga. Who would have guessed that Fujin liked Sailor Moon? Selphie may have been more trying to hide behind the book, but Fujin was definitely absorbed in the fluffy, sappy plot. I say that she was trying to read it because the noise was so loud that only a deaf girl could read. Rinoa was still looking for the doggie biscuits, even though she had already searched the waiting room twice. Quistis wrote in a journal, which was apparently her luxury item. Raijin, who had been hired as a bodyguard, was trying to impress Fujin by juggling people's luxury items. Occasionally he dropped things, especially when he was juggling Rinoa's luxury item, Angelo. Seifer had grabbed the karaoke microphone and was belting out "Blue Eyes Blue", probably dedicated to Quistis. He had sung two other awful songs previously, so it was a regular elevator music concert. _"I can't believe that this idiot is my boyfriend,"_ wrote Quistis. Irvine was still quite **_UPSET_** about his missing pants, and was attacking everything that looked suspicious, and some things that didn't. Meanwhile, Squall and Zell were playing Triple Triad. Zell was in an especially bad mood, and whenever he lost a card, he cast Firaga and set something in the near area on fire.

Oh, good. The new cameraman is here. Now we can go back to one or two delinquents at a time.

Squall and Zell walked into the room. The cameraman decided to stay silent, as Zell was violent when he was losing at Triple Triad. Five minutes later, Zell lost his Squall card and the cameraman caused a brief distraction by bursting into flames. Squall and Zell shrugged, and continued their game elsewhere.

Next cameraman victim. The contestants are starting to almost seem lucky now. Maybe we should get the rest of the crowd in one group.

Quistis, Fujin, and Seifer walked into the room. The cameraman committed suicide at the sight of them.

            "Well, we can't let that stop us," said Seifer. "Let the show go on. A little help, Fujin?" Fujin backed into the corner. "Quistis?" Quistis backed into the door. "Well, then, I guess I'll have to do the show by myself." Thankfully, two cameramen burst through the door, just missing Quistis, before Seifer could do anything nasty.

            "Okay, just answer our questions," said the first cameraman. "We would actually like to live."

            "Who are you guys?" asked the second cameraman. 

            "FUJIN," said Fujin.

            "Quistis Trepe," said Quistis.

            "The god of-" said Seifer, before he was cut off.

            "He's Seifer," said Quistis.

            "Now tell us your luxury items," said cameraman #1, thinking,_ why didn't I become a garbage man?_

            "PEPPER SPRAY. BROUGHT. SEIFER, UNDER CONTROL. IN CASE NOT," said Fujin.

            "Ooh! Let me see!" said Seifer. Fujin held the pepper spray out of his reach, before he could blind any cameramen.

            "INTERVIEW QUICKLY. READING "SAILOR MOON". GOOD PART. PRINCESS FOUND," said Fujin.

            "I brought a journal," said Quistis.

            "You'll never guess what I brought!" said Seifer, like a giddy schoolgirl. 

            "What?" said cameraman #2 in a monotone. It sounded more like "what."

            "HURRY," said Fujin.

            "I brought Irvine's PANTS!" yelled Seifer loudly.

            "WHAT?!?!?!" screamed Quistis.

            "I said, I brought Irvine's pants!"

            "It's OVER!" yelled Quistis, storming out of the room.

            "PANTS? THOUGHT HYPERION," said Fujin. 

            "I brought my Hyperion, too!" said Seifer. "At least I think that's what you were trying to ask…"

            "Contestants are not allowed to have more than one luxury it-" the cameramen said in unison. They never lived to finish their sentence. If Seifer can try to kill somebody like Selphie, who is cute and perky and overflowing with happiness, think about what he'll do to some ugly cameramen!

            "UGH. NIGHTMARES TONIGHT."

            "They deserved it."

            "QUISTIS. NOW DUMPED. DO SOMETHING?" Fujin asked, secretly feeling proud for her friend for getting out of a relationship like that. _Quistis is amazing, _thought Fujin. _I don't think I could have gotten away from Seifer so quickly. Oh wait! I still haven't! I'll put it on my "To Do" list, after " make a Sailor Moon website" and "redecorate my SeeD dorm"._

            "Oh, Quistis will come back in a day," said Seifer. "For now, let's just pass out these room boxes to the wrong people."

            "AFFIRMATIVE."

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

2:00- _I need my coffee. Why the hell did I agree to be on this show? I'm waiting for my interview in this tiny waiting room, trying to be patient. My friends aren't being too annoying. But as for Seifer, elevator music is for elevators. I can't believe that this idiot is my boyfriend. One more thing and it's goodbye. I mean it._

2:10- _I've never been happier! I'm finally free! No more Seifer! What a moron. I'll never be his girlfriend again if my life depended on it!_

***

Will Rinoa ever find the doggie biscuits?

Will the pants cause any more drama?

Will Quistis and Seifer get back together?

Will Sorceress Quisty stop talking in hypothetical sentences?

And who will be…

**Roommates**?

Find out next time, on Part II…

_Settling In_


	2. Settling In

Roommates 

By Sorceress Quisty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you thank you THANK YOU soooooo much for the reviews! I love reviews. They can really brighten my day. So keep reviewing! ^_O (Oh, in case anybody was confused; Quistis the character and Quisty the author are different people. The author could not last three seconds on a show where murder is allowed.) For the record, the only two characters I dislike are Irvine and Seifer. The rest, I like (even Raijin has his moments). Oh and two parting words: Squinoa 4-ever! 

Disclaimer: If I didn't own anything back when I was writing Chapter 1, then I probably don't own anything now. Oh, I forgot to say I don't own the two Fushigi Yuugi characters that I make vague references to. Is that good enough?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roommates Recap:

Contestant Deaths: 0

Roommates Staff Deaths: 5

Long Term Relationships Ended: 1 

II. Settling In

We find the Roommates contestants in the separate train car used to transport them to the apartment building.

            "SQUALL!" shouted Rinoa. "I'm scared!"

            "Rinoa, What are you scared of (this time)?" asked Squall.

            "I'm really scared…" Rinoa trailed off.

            "Rinoa, I can't help you out if you don't tell me what the problem is!" said an annoyed and hungry Squall. Annoyed and hungry basically described everybody at that point, because the Roommates staff had forgotten to feed the contestants.

            "I'm really, really scared..." whimpered Rinoa. 

            "OF WHAT?" the whole train, staff included, shouted.

            "TRAINS!" said Rinoa. "Squally-sama, protect me from the scary train!"

            "But, Rinoa!" said Selphie. "We were on that train mission together! Why are you scared of trains now?!" 

            "Well, I almost fell off, and then there was the fake president, and nearly being eaten two days later… And I've been scared of trains from that day on!" said Rinoa. Selphie shrugged and started to sing her train song.

            "You're telling me that you're scared of trains, but don't mind flying gardens, spaceships, or the Ragnarok?" Quistis asked, disbelieving.

            "Yup." Rinoa responded. "Hey, why are there a security camera and a loudspeaker up on the wall?" Rinoa pointed at the wall. 

            "While we're asking questions, can somebody tell me why they haven't fed us for TWO WHOLE DAYS?" Zell asked.

            "Well, we've had water!" said Quistis. "And I read that you can survive for 29 days without food, as long as you drink plenty of water."

            "Twenty… nine days… WITHOUT HOT DOGS?" Zell said, and then fainted. 

            "Enough already!" came a voice from the loudspeaker. "We have the Roommates Monitoring System™ on the wall so we can, well, monitor you. It would be murder to send a staff member into the contestant car!" Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Fujin, and Selphie all glared at Irvine, Zell, and Seifer.

            "But… but… but… PANTS!" sobbed Irvine.

            "Anyway," said the voice, "It's time to learn who your roommates are. We will be sending an intern in there with a list of who is with whom."

            "HOLD ON!" Fujin said to the loudspeaker.  

            "Yeah! You just said you wouldn't send a staff member in there," said Quistis, "But now an intern is coming?"

            "Although interns are staff members in the fatality count, they have no insurance," blared the loudspeaker. 

            "Okay."

            "Weapons out."

            Seifer, for once, seemed uninterested in killing things (gasp!). He was in the middle of a complicated, deep conversation with… Angelo.

            "So, how should I get her to come back?"

            Angelo barked.

            "I can't make her love me? Of course I can! Now, does anybody remember what kind of bribes the author takes?"

            Angelo scratched an ear.

Sorry. I don't take bribes, especially bribes from fictional characters.

            "But I'll do anything, just get me with Quistis and Fujin and Selphie and Rinoa!" Seifer pleaded. "I'll even-"

What can I do to shut him up? Okay… I have an idea. A large piece of duct tape suddenly covers Seifer's mouth.

            "You're right Angelo!" said Seifer after peeling off the duct tape (Darn). "Making her jealous is a great idea!" Seifer turned in Fujin's direction. "Hey, Fujin! Wanna-"

            "EEK! PERVERT! RAGE!" screamed Fujin, temporarily blinding Seifer with the pepper spray. "PEPPER SPRAY. ALMOST EMPTY," said Fujin sadly. "BUT THEN… CAN USE MACE!" Fujin smiled and went back to reading Sailor Moon.

            Meanwhile, Zell was preparing his weapons for the arrival of the intern, and making sure everyone else did the same. Quistis took out her Save the Queen to humor him, but the second he turned around she put it back away and took out her journal. She sat down and began to write.

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

Day 1, 6:00 AM- _I am not a morning person. I wish I brought my deck of Triple Triad cards with me, instead of lending them to Xu. I hope she doesn't lose too badly. I feel a bit sorry for the intern. Why do more staff members have to die? Who remembers South Park and the whole "Oh, my God, They killed Kenny" thing? Well, if this keeps up, it'll become a cliché, and nobody will remember US either! I don't want to be forgotten! Even though I'm just a minor character, I must save the intern!_

***

Everybody except Quistis joined Zell in preparing to kill something. It was easy for the former Garden instructor to slip out of the contestant car, and into the staff car unnoticed. Yes, it was bolted shut by several locks, but with a bit of creativity, her hairpin could be used as a lock pick. Once in the staff car, she looked around. The staff car was covered with sleeping night shift cameramen. Quistis took care not to step on them, or else they would wake up and throw her out of the staff car. Possibly, in that circumstance, she would be escorted back into the contestant car, but more likely, she would be literally _thrown_ onto the tracks behind the train. Finally, she got past the cameramen and into the front of the train.

"Now, intern, go forth and die with honor," said the producer to the intern. He didn't notice that there was a contestant about three feet from him. It was now or never. Quistis grabbed the roommate list from the intern and ran. The producer's eyes widened, and he pressed a button…

            "No!" yelled Zell. "Fuu-chan, you can't! Please! For everything that's good, please don't! Do you even care anymore? Don't love and friendship matter to you?"

            "HOTDOGS? YOU, HAD 49. ME, ZERO. THIS ONE, MINE. AND… NAME, FUJIN." Fujin argued.

            "But it's the last one, Fuu-chan!" The staff had prepared a contestant buffet car after they started to worry that the contestants would resort to eating each other. It started out having 50 hot dogs, but there was only one left now, and Zell and Fujin were battling fiercely for it. Suddenly, an alarm went off, and a recorded message blared over the loudspeaker. Zell turned his head toward the loudspeaker, and Fujin gobbled up the last hot dog with record-setting speed. Hey, it WAS two days since she had last eaten, right before the Roommates staff came and kidnapped her.  

            "Contestant In the Staff Car! I repeat, homicidal freak, I mean contestant, in the staff car," blared the loudspeaker. Squall looked around, trying to see who wasn't there. 

            "Where's Quisty?" he finally said.

            "Quisty is typing at her computer, controlling our every move and our eventual fate!" said Selphie, as happy as if she was just told that the Disciplinary Committee was now allowed to assign 'Help Selphie with the Garden Festival' as a punishment to anybody who was caught breathing. Suddenly, Quistis burst into the room.

            "He meant THAT Quisty," said Rinoa. "Hey, did you find out what's taking the intern so long?"

            "INTERN, SAVED. RIGHT?" asked Fujin. Quistis nodded, because she was so out of breath from running from the staff that she couldn't talk.

            "Quistis! We could have killed him! Why do you have to be mature and responsible?" whined Zell.

            "List. Here," said Quistis, who was still out of breath. "Squall, can you read this? I haven't eaten in two days." She ran over to the fruit salad, which was the only thing that hadn't been eaten. 

            "…Whatever," said Squall. "I mean, no! Irvine, read the list."

            "Okay," said Irvine sadly. 

            "What's wrong?" Selphie asked him, suddenly not happy (!). "Are you okay?"

            "I'm in mourning for my pants," Irvine replied.

            "I know who took them," piped in Quistis. Seifer started mouthing the word "don't" at her, but if she saw that, she didn't pay it any attention. "It's-" Quistis was cut off when Seifer grabbed the rooms list and started reading it off.

            "Selphie is with… Irvine, in Room 3. Rinoa's in Room 4 with ME! Fujin is in Room 1 with… Zell. What does he have that I don't? Quistis, my beautiful, amazing Quistis, is with Squall, in Room 2. No fair! Well, that's it! Aren't you all happy? So happy you forgot what we were talking about earlier?" Seifer said.

            A collective stare. A collective "No!". And a collective throwing of luxury items, buffet plates, and train parts at Seifer.

I think we need to get our staff healer in here…

            Once at the apartment building, all of the contestants were thrown off the train, including Seifer, who was still recovering.

            "This is the filthiest apartment building I've ever seen…" Selphie murmured.

            "How long since somebody lived here?" Quistis asked. 

            "People could not have lived here." Zell replied. 

            "Good morning, contestants!" came a chipper, suspiciously familiar voice from the speaker on the moldy wall. "Good morning, son! Sorry producer, was I not supposed to say that? I meant to say that I'm pretending not to- I mean I don't, sorry producer- know any of the contestants on this show, but I wish everyone good luck anyway! I'm supposed to be making a guest appearance on this show, to introduce the first challenge, so I took off from my busy life as the president of -um, I'm not supposed to give that away either? I didn't know that- …a country, to come here and wish Squall -I mean everyone- good luck! Oh, and Ward says "Hi!" At least, that's what I think he means to say… Oh, the challenge? What challenge? The one I'm supposed to be introducing? Okay, your first challenge is to get into your rooms and clean them! Go Squall! I mean, go everybody! I brought Ellone to the broadcast room with me because she wanted to do a little cheer."

            "Squall! Squall! He's our man! If he can't do it, nobody can!" cheered Ellone from the loudspeaker. 

            "Okay, start cleaning! You can get into your rooms using your room boxes!" said La- I mean, the "Mystery Guest". _Yes!_ Thought Seifer. _I passed out the room boxes to the wrong people, so Quistis won't be able to get into her room without my help!_ He opened his room box and sighed. It contained only a lock pick. 

In Room 1 (Fujin and Zell):

            Fujin found Room 1 with relative ease. She pulled out her lock pick and within seconds, opened the door. A horrid stench escaped. Fortunately, the room had a laundry chute. Unfortunately, the room was heaping with several decades' worth o f grime. Even worse, from behind her came the voice of the person Fujin least wanted to see.

            "Yay! I'm with Fuu-chan!" Zell shouted. Fujin sighed. It would be a long stay.

In Room 2 (Squall and Quistis):

            Quistis and Squall had a similar experience. Squall arrived first. This room also had a laundry chute, and it was filled with empty food containers that were obvious plants by the Roommates staff. The two SeeDs looked at each other and reluctantly started leaning.

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

Day 1, 12:00 Noon: _I'm with Squall! I'm with Squall! I'm with Squall! And I saved the intern! This is really my day, except the part about being on Roommates._

***

In Room 3 (Selphie and Irvine):

            "Irvine, stop it and help me clean!" yelled Selphie over the sound of the vacuum cleaner. At the same time, Selphie was dusting the fan, scrubbing the toilet, and trying to help Irvine to get over the loss of his dearly departed pants. The last was most difficult.

            "Where's the laundry chute? Did they fall down the laundry chute?" sobbed Irvine. "Pants, oh pants, where art thou?"

            "Umm…" stalled Selphie, "we don't really have a laundry chute! I think Quistis knows where the pants are, though!"

            "No! No true SeeD would call on an instructor for help! Now get me my pants, Selphie!"

            Selphie sighed.

In Room 4 (Rinoa and Seifer):

            "But I don't like cleaning," whined Rinoa.

            "Well, tough. You have to," said Seifer.

            "No!"

            "You have to. Clean!"

            "But I don't LIKE cleaning."

            "Well, I guess you could help me make Quistis jealous…"

            "I like cleaning," said Rinoa.

            The contestants vacuumed, scrubbed, organized, dusted, acted depressed over a hideous pair of pants, tried to console their roommate who was acting depressed over a hideous pair of pants, cleaned, scared their roommate by being a total pig, and did who knows what for the next eight hours. Finally, the winners were announced. 

            "None of you have won!" came a voice from the loudspeaker. "Your rooms look like they used to be part of a filthy apartment building!" Everybody fainted. 

It's probably a good time to cut to the next morning, when they all wake up. Watching these people sleep is about as "fun" as watching Irvine with no pants.

In Room 4 (Seifer and Rinoa):

            "Where am I?" murmured Seifer. "Doesn't anybody think that it's a bit odd how we slept from Sunday night until Monday morning?" Rinoa was grooming Angelo with her own hairbrush. Seifer gagged at this. He now had even more reason to slip something in Angelo's doggy food. "Hey Rinoa!" he shouted.

            "What?" she replied, her focus more on Angelo than Seifer.

            "Well, I'm having trouble with my girlfriend. She-"

            "I know exactly what happened," said Rinoa. "A friend told me about it."

            "Will you-" said Seifer, advancing towards the sorceress.

            "Absolutely not." Rinoa flipped him over her shoulder, a la Johnny Bravo. "Angelo, I have a new chew toy for you," said Rinoa. "On second thought, if you chew him, you might be poisoned."

Let's see how the contestants are doing at laundry time…

In Room 3 (Selphie and Irvine):

            "It's laundry time!" said Selphie. "It's so nice that the decency committee lent you some new pants until we find your old ones!"

            "Laundry time? But what's the big deal?" asked Irvine. "We just have to throw it down the chute."

            "We! Don't! Have! A! Laundry! Chute!" said Selphie, through gritted teeth. "I'm going to change first, okay?!" said Selphie, pushing Irvine into the bathroom. Selphie wasn't really asking, but Irvine had more important things to worry about, like how he was going to explain to Quistis and Squall why they heard him screaming through the flimsy wall. In case there was any doubt about it, Irvine is a total wimp and can be intimidated by somebody like Selphie. Fortunately, Squall and Quistis were not in their room, so he was safe. In a few minutes, Selphie opened up the door and noticed that Irvine was looking in the other direction. 

            "What's wrong, Irvine?!" Selphie asked. "Not your pants again, I hope!" Irvine's instinct was to turn away, but even though he didn't want to see Selphie without clothing, he had the discipline of Zell around "Fuu-chan". His head turned towards Selphie. But fortunately, Selphie was NOT naked. Irvine stared.

            "You've never been to a toga party before?" asked Selphie. Selphie had evidently been on a creative burst, because she had remembered last year's Trabia Garden toga party, and decided to use a strategically wrapped sheet when actual clothing was forbidden.

            "I'm going to tie my sheet now," said Irvine, and pushed Selphie (well, Selphie was headed in that direction anyway) into the restroom. 

            After 20 minutes, Irvine realized he had never been to Trabia Garden or their weird parties, and that as a result he didn't know how to tie a toga. When Selphie came out of the bathroom, Irvine's sheet chose that moment to fall off.

            "Great Hyne…" murmured Selphie, and then she fainted.

In Room 2 (Squall and Quistis):

            When Quistis and Squall came back to Room 2, two things had changed. First, Irvine had dumped his laundry and his unconscious roommate in their room. Second, a certain SOMEONE had ordered long stemmed roses delivered to Room 2.

            "Okay," said Squall. "Exactly WHY is Selphie on our floor?"

            "What are we going to do about her?" Quistis asked.

            "You can check for breathing," said Squall.

            "I won't!"

            "You will!"

            "I won't!"

            "You will!"

            "I won't!"

            "You won't!"

            "I will!" yelled Quistis, immediately realizing her mistake. Fortunately, Selphie had woken up during the debate, and was halfway to the laundry room by now. "Okay, problem solved."

            "The flowers are still here, remember?" said Squall. That was a good point. Quistis picked them up and read the message on the tag.

            "To my one and only: I realize I've mistreated you, but we were meant to be. Love… (Here Quistis paused for dramatic effect) … Seifer. Squall, you have a… a… a FANBOY!"

            "Just what I needed," grumbled Squall. He opened the window and threw the flowers out.

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

Day 2, 5:00 PM: _I feel really bad for Selphie. Maybe I should tell Fujin and Rinoa. Fujin will probably compare the situation to some shojo manga, but Rinoa will make Selphie feel better._

***

In Room 1 (Fujin and Zell):

            "SELPHIE UNLUCKY," said Fujin. She paused to find the right anime comparison. "It's kinda like Soi and Nakago." 

            "Come on, Fuu-chan, I gotta get changed!" said Zell. 

            "BUT… TENCHI MUYO!" protested Fujin. Zell went into the bathroom and proceeded to get changed. Nothing was too good for his Fuu-chan.

The next day…

            The contestants woke up in Dollet Communication Tower. They didn't know why they were there, but they couldn't ask, because they were gagged.

            "Okay, this is a race to the top!" blared the loudspeaker. "On your mark, get set, GO!" the contestants found that they were also tied up, so they couldn't move quickly. This "race" would be extremely hard to cover, so…

6 hour later…

            Seifer did it! He crawled his way to the top the quickest! But what he didn't know was that there was a plane flying overhead…

In the plane:

            "Ultimecia, you just have to learn to drop a load, and you will have passed your pilot test!" said Ultimecia's supervisor. It was a hard switch for Ultimecia to go from villain to working woman, but she did it with ease. Ultimecia pressed the drop button, and a piano fell out of the cargo hold and toward Dollet tower. Later she passed the test with flying (pun unintended) colors, although the Dollet government sued her school for property damage.

     

On the tower:

            A large piano came down toward Seifer. He didn't see it, because he was too busy doing his happy dance to notice anything. It pushed him off the edge and he died on impact, although we have to Phoenix Down him because the rules say he must stay for the whole show. 

How will Seifer and Rinoa be punished?

Can poor Zell take much more from his anime-obsessed crush?

Will Seifer stoop any lower?

Will Sorceress Quisty stoop any lower?

And what will happen on…

**Roommates**?

Find out next time, on Part III…

_Ai No Fuu-Chan_

(Fuu-Chan of Love)


	3. Ai No Fuu-Chan

Roommates 

By Sorceress Quisty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry to my fans! I have not died! I am not Aeris, either, but I do think Sephy is really cute. (J) I have been on swim team, cut my hair, played Tales of Destiny (the first one, I've had it for 4 years), and have come up with various excuses for not working on my Fanfic. Oops, I'm doing that now.

Once again, thanks for the reviews. I can only write humor when I'm happy, and you don't wanna see my attempt at writing angst. I've decided to do the next four chapters centering on one pair each (This is the Room 1 chapter), and then have a chapter about them all. Then I'll let my readers vote on the winner, and do a final chapter and epilogue based on the results. Another note: just because two characters are placed together doesn't mean they're a couple! For example, this is not a Quistis + Squall. The ending was so sweet (it made me cry ;_;) and it shows that Squall and Rinoa are meant to stay together 4-ever! Plus, Rinoa is my second favorite character (Squall is third). However, 'roommates aren't couples' doesn't ALWAYS apply… but since the name of this chapter is translated as "Fuu-chan of love", you probably already figured that out. I don't really like splitting up in-game couples (that's an understatement), but me and my friend came up with this on a sugar high, and I couldn't resist using it.

 Updated Disclaimer: I don't own any anime that Fujin may talk about (I'm not making any of them up, either. You'd be surprised at how weird some anime names are.) I don't own the song "Ai No Senshi" (it's from Sailor Moon). I apologize to people who don't like anime and have to put up with Fujin speak. This chapter is supposed to be funny because one doesn't know what she's talking about, but I guess it would have a special meaning to anime fans, too.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roommates Recap:

Contestant Deaths: 1

Roommates Staff Deaths: 0

Long Term Relationships Ended: 0 

III. Ai No Fuu-chan

At 12:01 AM, Day Four, we find the contestants asleep in their beds…

In Room 1: 

            "… FUSHIGI YUUGI…" mumbled Fujin in her sleep, clutching a comic. "…SAILOR MOON… RAYEARTH… SAILOR MOON R… YUYU HAKUSHO… SAILOR MOON S… TENCHI MUYO…  SAILOR MOON. SUPER S… INUYASHA… SAILOR MOON STARS…"

            "...Fuu-chan…" murmured Zell in his sleep, blushing as red as a tomato. "… I bought you… a new comic…"

            "NO! DEMON! EVIL! RAGE!" yelled Fujin, in her dream kicking a demon, but in reality accidentally kicking Zell. "…OUTLAW STAR…"

In Room 2:

            "…Irvine!…" murmured Selphie. "…Thank you for the roses!…" 

            "…Selphie …Go away…" mumbled Irvine. "…I don't love you…I wanna ride the pink pony…"

In Room 3:

            "…Squall…" mumbled Quistis. "…Will you marry me… I DO!"

            "…I love you… Rinoa…" murmured Squall.

In Room 4:

            "…Squall…" mumbled Rinoa. 

            "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Seifer, apparently not asleep. Guess the narrative was wrong. "Fujin deserted me! When I was killed by a piano, she did absolutely nothing! Never mind that she was bound and gagged and probably really tired from running a race bound and gagged. But revenge will be mine! She will never forget me, Seifer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

6 hours later…

In Room 1:

            Zell woke up. Fujin was gone. "Oh well," he said to himself. "She's probably in the Roommates library, getting the latest copy of Fushigi Yuyu or Yuugi Hakusho. (Author's note: It's supposed to be Fushigi Yuugi and Yuyu Hakusho, not the other way around!) I know! I'll surprise her by cooking breakfast!" To Zell's credit, the food was very good, given that the Roommates staff hadn't given them much to work with. Apparently, they weren't very good at remembering to feed the contestants. Those kind of people really shouldn't have pets. Half an hour later, the food had gone cold, the soufflé had collapsed, and Zell was pacing the room back and forth, worried about Fuu-chan. "Ohmygosh! She could be injured! Or killed! Or completely absorbed in a huge anime comic, obliviously starving to death as she reads it again and again and again and again… I gotta save her!"

In the Roommates Library:

            Two burly staff workers carried a heavy box of manga comics to the front desk. Written on one side of the box was "Reserved for Fujin Kazeno". Suddenly, Zell rushed in, brushing against the box and knocking it onto the workers, who were crushed. "FUU-CHAN!" yelled Zell. "Have you seen Fuu-chan?" Zell asked the librarian.

            "You mean Ms. Kazeno?" asked the bored librarian. "No, she's usually here by now, demanding comics. Well, I guess that means I can be the first to read Tenchi Muyo Volume 11…" Zell rushed out, thinking that the librarian wouldn't be any help.

In Room 2:  

            Selphie found herself shaken awake. She looked up, and about three inches away from her face was Zell.

            "FUU-CHAN!"

"Zell! What's going on?!"

            "You've gotta come quick! There's a problem in Room 1!" Zell shouted.

            "Say it, don't spray it! And I'm not leaving Irvine!"

            "You've gotten yourself into a Soi and Nakago type relationship!"

            "It's about Fujin, right?!" asked Selphie, thinking, _I've heard that term twice this week! Who ARE those people?_

            "FUU-CHAN IS MISSING!" yelled Zell.

            "Uh, okay, let's go find her!" murmured Selphie.

In Room 3:

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" came a scream from outside the door.

            "What is it?" muttered Quistis. "Oh well, I'll get the door so Squall doesn't have to." She opened the door and was met by two panicking SeeDs.

            "FUJIN IS MISSING!" yelled Selphie.

            "FUU-CHAN!" yelled Zell.

            "SQUALL-SAMA!" yelled Quistis. "Sorry about that. I fell asleep again and started to dream because I'm used to actual sleep."

            "You dream about Squall?!" said Selphie. "Eeeew!" 

            "Quistis, you're in a…" started Zell.

            "Soi and Nakago type relationship!" finished Zell and Selphie together.

            "I'm not! Squall will love me someday…" trailed off Quistis. (_Sure_ you're not.)

            "Just help us find Fujin!" said Selphie.

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

Day 4, 6:45:_ Squall, oh Squall, why don't you love me? Why do you love Rinoa and not me? ANY sorceress could have brought you back to life! Who are Soi and Nakago? Is that an anime couple that eventually got together?__Then as an instructor of Balamb Garden, I will NOT let it offend me. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, SQUALL? WHY NOT ME? _

_Fujin is missing. We have gathered evidence. It isn't Zell, because he loves Fujin. It isn't Selphie, because she would have left something obvious at the scene of the crime. It isn't Irvine, because we heard him dreaming at the intro to this chapter. It can't be Squall because he wouldn't do something like that. It isn't me, duh. It can't be Rinoa, because even though Squall should have chosen me, Rinoa is still my friend and is not evil. I can't even imagine Seifer doing evil. Sicko, yes. Evil, no. Oh well. There is new anime at the library, and it will eventually drive Fujin home._

***

In Room 4:

            Seifer was stuffing something blue down the laundry chute. Suddenly, he heard something slamming against the door. The sound came from Quistis, Zell, and Selphie, who were throwing themselves at the door because it was locked. The only way to make Zell shut up was to give him back his Fuu-chan, and a little pain was nothing compared to hearing Zell talk about anime all day.

            "whatisit?" mumbled Rinoa, who was waking up. "Never mind. I'll get it." Rinoa opened up the door and was knocked over by Zell, Quistis, and Selphie.

            "FUJIN'S GONE!" yelled Quistis.

            "FUJIN IS MISSING!" yelled Selphie.

            "FUU-CHAN!" yelled Zell.

            "Ohmygosh!" said Rinoa as she got up. "We gotta find her!"

In the Staff Room:

            "You see, Fujin is gone!" explained Rinoa to the producer.

            "FUJIN'S GONE!" shouted Quistis.

            "FUJIN IS MISSING!" shouted Selphie.

            "FUU-CHAN!" yelled Zell.

            "I don't see what can be done about it," said the producer. "Zell, you have permission to compete alone in the challenge today. Everybody competes alone in THIS challenge. It's in five minutes, and the prize is legal ownership over your roommate."

            _I could make Squall love me,_ thought Quistis.

            _I could make Irvine love me, _thought Selphie.

            _I could make Seifer hate me, _thought Rinoa.

            "I can't betray my Fuu-chan," said Zell. 

            "Huh?" said everyone but Zell.

            "If I go to the challenge," said Zell, "I won't be able to look for Fuu-chan. She could be SCARED and ALONE, and I gotta save her!" He ran out of the room.

            Aww, what nice SAPPY romantic romance! Yay! 

In the Roommates Laundry Room:

            Fujin woke up. She found herself inside a laundry basket, as if she had been stuffed down the Room 4 laundry chute and happened to land right there, which is quite similar to what actually happened. She looked around at the other stuff that Seifer had chosen to "hide" by throwing down the laundry chute. Apparently, Seifer didn't know that the Roommates staff collected the laundry to be washed each day. In fact, Fujin was in danger of being laundered, because to an underpaid staff member in the dark, a one-eyed Disciplinary Committee girl looks almost exactly like, oh, a trench coat. She noticed she was sitting on something… leathery. As you Roommates fans may have guessed, the leathery object was Irvine's pants. There were all kinds of smuggled luxury items in the laundry room, including something that looked like a cowboy hat. Fujin got up and walked around a bit. She realized that, although she had no way to escape the laundry room, she could see whatever was going on in Room 1, Room 2, and Room 4. However, nobody was in their rooms.

            "CHALLENGE MISSED!" said Fujin, although it didn't really bother her that much, since Zell would be suffering. Fujin might not ever win a Miss Balamb Garden beauty pageant, but she was able to survive if stranded in a laundry room. In fact, she always kept a water bottle and Sailor Moon Volume 23 with her just in case of such an event. But… the pages of her comic book were torn out and replaced with love letters from Seifer. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fujin screamed. 

At the Challenge:

            "Okaaaaaaaaay!" yelled the producer. "We need some publicity photos because nobody is watching our show…"

Well, duh! That's because it's a Fanfic!

            "Well, in FFVIII land, it's a show! Wait a minute, I'm the producer, I don't have to take orders from you!"

I'm the author, and I can turn you into a frog if I so wish!

            "Anyway," said the producer, "Enough with that Quisty girl. Your challenge is to smile while we take photos of you! Last person smiling wins!"

            "Really?!" asked Selphie. "I'm really good at that!"

            "Yes, Selphie," croaked the producer, who was now mysteriously a frog. "Go!"

Back in Room 1:

            Fujin was in no imminent danger of being rescued, since Zell was still looking under the couch. He saw a year old slice of pizza, but no Fujin. Next, he decided to look under the TV. He saw nothing but a squished rodent.

This continues for quite some time. Meanwhile, a smiling competition led by a frog also continues for quite some time.  At noon, Day 5, it's down to Rinoa and Selphie.

At the Challenge:

            "I… can't… take it anymore!" gasped Rinoa, finally not smiling. Selphie jumped up and down to celebrate her victory, still smiling.

            "You can stop smiling now," croaked the producer.

            "I never stop smiling!" said Selphie. "And now Irvine is mine!!!"

            "Not anymore," the producer frog croaked. "Your legal ownership of him was only for five seconds." 

            "Oh well!" said Selphie. "It can't bring me down!"

Okay, I'm bored with frogs. The producer is back to normal. I hope he learned his lesson.

            The producer stuck out his tongue and ate a fly. It looks like he hasn't realized he's back to normal yet.

From the Journal of Quistis:

***

Day 5, 12:05 PM- _This is horrible. This is awful. This is terrible. This is horribly terribly awful. Our producer thinks he is a frog. Fujin is missing. Zell hasn't showed up for the challenge. I don't think I'll be able to last another day. This cannot get any worse._

Day 5, 5:00 PM- _Cancel that. Things have gotten worse. Seifer is guarding the laundry room. We can't deposit our laundry in the bin like we were told. What will happen? What will we do without laundry service, and without Fujin to compare the whole thing to some anime? I bet Fujin could even find an anime meaning in her own kidnapping. But Fujin is gone, and Zell is missing. Will life in Roommates ever be the same?_

***

Will Fujin ever get out of the laundry room?

Will Zell find his Fuu-Chan?

Will the gang ever be able to get their laundry done?

Will Sorceress Quisty let the producer know he's human again?

And what will happen on…

**Roommates**?

Find out next time, on…

_Ai No Fuu-Chan Part II _


End file.
